I'm being praised, yet crucified

Next week, on February 8th, a Colonel is going to give me an award... an awards presentation will take place. But at the same time, I've been screwing up at work a lot lately. The same people that are responsible for the award I'm getting, for doing a "good" job, are crucifying me, because I've caused plenty of trouble lately. But I don't care. I really don't want an award. I don't want to meet the Colonel. I'm happy that I still get paid, although the work I do truly isn't worth it. I've been ill for the entire year so far... and I'm still ill, yet still doing more work than any of my co-workers. How sad is that ? I don't care about some stupid award, let alone the Colonel coming with a fake smile, and then I will have to fake a smile to show my respect toward the Colonel.

I have to fake it or perhaps I'll get in more trouble. I don't know what to do. I don't want recognition. I want people around me to help me on the job... not give me some bloody award that I'm going to throw in the garbage. Then I'll go back to working hard, while mostly everybody else is lazy. I can't stop the Colonel from giving me an award. I wish something could happen to where I wouldn't have to see the Colonel's face. I'm nervous about it, so maybe I'll smile because I'll be nervous. Bloody Colonels.